1 00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:06,101 Subtitles made from the original script 2 00:01:06,651 --> 00:01:12,151 by DeBosch (PT) 3 00:01:12,426 --> 00:01:17,426 MONTY PYTHON LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL 4 00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:01,856 Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me 5 00:02:02,106 --> 00:02:05,322 I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. 6 00:02:05,572 --> 00:02:08,461 I love to hear you oralise 7 00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:10,104 When I'm between your thighs 8 00:02:10,354 --> 00:02:11,963 You blow me away 9 00:02:12,213 --> 00:02:15,831 Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you 10 00:02:16,081 --> 00:02:19,299 I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly. 11 00:02:19,549 --> 00:02:22,764 Life can be fine if we both 69 12 00:02:23,014 --> 00:02:25,175 If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play 13 00:02:25,425 --> 00:02:28,475 Till we're blown away 14 00:02:44,902 --> 00:02:51,438 Hello, good evening and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, 15 00:02:52,388 --> 00:02:58,776 here in the pretty little L.A. suburb of Hollywood, where we're about to go in all for wrestling, 16 00:02:59,026 --> 00:03:03,023 brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, 17 00:03:03,373 --> 00:03:08,573 the world's first ever combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing. 18 00:03:09,752 --> 00:03:15,152 And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile! You never know when it'll go off! 19 00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:20,807 Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies, start the party with a bang! 20 00:03:21,667 --> 00:03:28,017 Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries... 21 00:03:28,873 --> 00:03:32,923 in the red corner: Colin "Bomber" Harris!... 22 00:03:36,352 --> 00:03:39,533 and, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner... 23 00:03:39,783 --> 00:03:43,772 all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries...Colin "Bomber" Harris! 24 00:03:46,223 --> 00:03:52,974 Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself. 25 00:03:54,524 --> 00:03:59,125 A few formalities now, any moment now, we'll be ready for the start of Round One. 26 00:03:59,375 --> 00:04:03,051 There goes the bell! Colin moves to the middle of the ring there, 27 00:04:03,301 --> 00:04:07,769 he's looking for an opening, going for the handhold... 28 00:04:08,619 --> 00:04:11,544 He's got it! Into the headsqueeze... 29 00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:13,843 A headsqueeze there... 30 00:04:13,593 --> 00:04:16,575 ...a favorite move of Colin's at this opening stage... 31 00:04:16,825 --> 00:04:17,308 ...flying there... 32 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:21,008 ...and already Colin is working on that weak left knee of his! 33 00:04:22,725 --> 00:04:27,906 A half nelson...a half nelson and a Philadelphia Half-Lotus and Colin bit himself on purpose there, 34 00:04:28,156 --> 00:04:30,594 and he has been given a public warning by the referee, 35 00:04:30,844 --> 00:04:32,394 and Colin did not like that one little bit! 36 00:04:33,412 --> 00:04:36,612 Forearm... Double overhead nostril... 37 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:41,540 ...back-kick and into the, ah, Boston crayfish, no, it's a crawlfish, 38 00:04:41,790 --> 00:04:44,082 or is it a longestine, no, it's a longestine! A lovely move there! 39 00:04:44,332 --> 00:04:47,551 He's caught himself by surprise and that is it, the first fall to Colin "Bomber" Harris! 40 00:04:49,151 --> 00:04:50,079 Swell! A lovely move there! 41 00:04:50,329 --> 00:04:55,729 And Colin must be pretty pleased with himself having caught himself out with that one! 42 00:04:55,979 --> 00:05:00,295 And a forearm chop. A strawberry whip, a vanilla whip, a chocolate whip... 43 00:05:00,545 --> 00:05:05,038 there it is, Colin's most famous hold: the one-neck-over-shoulder-Gerry Ford 44 00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:10,029 and Colin's in real trouble! He's just made it to the rope...just a little lucky there... 45 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:13,724 ...and there it is, a double Eydie Gourmet, should be able to twist out of this... 46 00:05:13,974 --> 00:05:17,088 and he does...but he's looking pretty groggy... 47 00:05:17,038 --> 00:05:19,562 and I think he's caught himself there with two forearm smashes, and that is it!. 48 00:05:19,812 --> 00:05:24,122 Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked himself out and so he is the winner 49 00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:28,422 and he goes on next week to meet himself in the final! 50 00:05:41,012 --> 00:05:46,271 Never be rude to an Arab 51 00:05:46,521 --> 00:05:52,584 An Israeli or Saudi or Jew 52 00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:58,129 Never be rude to an Irishman 53 00:05:58,379 --> 00:06:04,660 No matter what you do 54 00:06:04,910 --> 00:06:10,610 Never pull fun at a nigger 55 00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:16,593 A Spic or a Wop or a Kraut 56 00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:18,893 And never poke fun at a... 57 00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:37,274 Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness. 58 00:06:37,824 --> 00:06:38,452 Who? 59 00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:41,454 Michelangelo, the famous renaissance artist whose best known works 60 00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:45,073 include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and the celebrated statue of David. 61 00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:45,931 Ah. Very well... 62 00:06:46,181 --> 00:06:48,243 In 1514 he returned to Florence and de... 63 00:06:48,643 --> 00:06:50,600 All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now! 64 00:06:55,156 --> 00:06:56,125 Good evening, your Holiness. 65 00:06:56,375 --> 00:07:00,358 Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper." 66 00:07:01,108 --> 00:07:02,402 Oh, yeah? 67 00:07:02,652 --> 00:07:04,324 I'm not happy about it. 68 00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:06,550 Oh, dear. It took me hours. 69 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,995 Not happy at all. 70 00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:11,548 Is it the jello you don't like? 71 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:12,752 No. 72 00:07:13,002 --> 00:07:15,418 Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour, don't they? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo? 73 00:07:16,368 --> 00:07:17,788 What kangaroo? 74 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:18,848 No problem, I'll paint him out. 75 00:07:19,098 --> 00:07:20,672 I never saw a kangaroo! 76 00:07:20,922 --> 00:07:24,521 Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. 77 00:07:27,855 --> 00:07:28,774 All right? 78 00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:30,014 That's the problem. 79 00:07:30,264 --> 00:07:30,853 What is? 80 00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:32,788 The disciples. 81 00:07:33,038 --> 00:07:34,038 Are they too Jewish? 82 00:07:35,593 --> 00:07:37,593 I made Judas the most Jewish. 83 00:07:38,148 --> 00:07:42,168 No, it's just that there are twenty-eight of them. 84 00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:45,088 Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo into another one. 85 00:07:45,338 --> 00:07:46,547 No, that's not the point. 86 00:07:46,797 --> 00:07:49,721 All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it. 87 00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:53,244 That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples! 88 00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:54,099 Too many? 89 00:07:54,399 --> 00:07:55,935 Well, of course it's too many! 90 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,829 Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. 91 00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:04,538 You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. 92 00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:08,648 But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know? 93 00:08:09,597 --> 00:08:13,565 There were only twelve disciples at the last supper. 94 00:08:13,815 --> 00:08:15,048 Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw... 95 00:08:15,298 --> 00:08:17,475 There were only twelve altogether. 96 00:08:17,725 --> 00:08:19,059 Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know? 97 00:08:19,359 --> 00:08:25,640 Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so. 98 00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:26,653 No friends? 99 00:08:26,903 --> 00:08:27,934 No friends. 100 00:08:28,184 --> 00:08:28,992 Waiters? 101 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,379 No. 102 00:08:30,629 --> 00:08:31,182 Cabaret? 103 00:08:31,432 --> 00:08:32,606 No! 104 00:08:32,856 --> 00:08:36,034 You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose a few, you know I could... 105 00:08:36,284 --> 00:08:39,019 Look! There were only twelve disciples at... 106 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:43,500 I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "The Last But One Supper"! 107 00:08:45,550 --> 00:08:45,834 What? 108 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:50,185 Well there must have been one, if there was a last one there must have been a one before that, 109 00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:54,849 so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"! The Bible doesn't say how many people were there, now does it? 110 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:55,450 No, but... 111 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:56,712 Well there you are, then! 112 00:08:56,962 --> 00:09:02,397 Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not! 113 00:09:02,996 --> 00:09:07,523 Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, 114 00:09:07,773 --> 00:09:13,093 and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ! 115 00:09:13,343 --> 00:09:14,333 One?! 116 00:09:14,583 --> 00:09:15,383 Yes one! 117 00:09:16,653 --> 00:09:22,503 Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it? 118 00:09:24,123 --> 00:09:25,186 It works, mate! 119 00:09:25,436 --> 00:09:26,063 Works? 120 00:09:26,313 --> 00:09:31,100 Yeah! It looks great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones. 121 00:09:31,350 --> 00:09:33,582 There was only one Redeemer! 122 00:09:33,832 --> 00:09:37,159 Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license? 123 00:09:37,409 --> 00:09:38,950 A one Messiah is what I want! 124 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,800 I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer! That's you want. 125 00:09:43,143 --> 00:09:45,081 Not a bloody creative artist to crease you up... 126 00:09:45,331 --> 00:09:49,203 I'll tell you what I want! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, 127 00:09:49,453 --> 00:09:55,408 no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid! 128 00:09:55,658 --> 00:09:56,907 Bloody fascist! 129 00:09:57,157 --> 00:10:04,773 Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what I like! 130 00:10:05,023 --> 00:10:11,023 Never be rude to a polack... 131 00:10:19,191 --> 00:10:22,408 Hello, and welcome to Munich, for the 27th Silly Olympiad, 132 00:10:22,658 --> 00:10:25,254 an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, 133 00:10:25,504 --> 00:10:29,961 which this year has brought together competitors from over 4 million different countries. 134 00:10:30,211 --> 00:10:32,187 And here we are at the start of the first event of the afternoon: 135 00:10:32,437 --> 00:10:36,683 the second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction. 136 00:10:36,933 --> 00:10:37,955 Aah, I'll just give you the competitors: 137 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,182 lane one, Skolomovski of Poland; lane two, Zatapatique of France; 138 00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:43,988 lane three, Gropovich of the United States; next to him, Drabble of Trinidad; 139 00:10:44,238 --> 00:10:47,508 next to him, Fernandez of Spain; and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil. 140 00:10:47,758 --> 00:10:48,630 Get set! 141 00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:56,369 Well, that was fun, wasn't it? And now, over to the other end of the stadium. 142 00:10:56,619 --> 00:10:59,089 And here we're just waiting for the start of the 1500 meters for the deaf. 143 00:10:59,339 --> 00:11:01,914 And they're under starter's orders. 144 00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,527 Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's any action. And now over to the swimming. 145 00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:11,005 And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool just in time to see the start 146 00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,537 of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers. 147 00:11:13,787 --> 00:11:18,837 Watch for the tough Australian champion Ron Barnett in the second lane. 148 00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:30,322 Well, we'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses out. 149 00:11:30,572 --> 00:11:34,371 But now over to Hans Clegg for the start of the marathon for incontinents. 150 00:11:34,621 --> 00:11:39,081 Well, we've got an enormous entry for this event: 44 competitors from 29 different countries, 151 00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:44,226 all of them with the most superbly weak bladders. Not a tight sphincter in sight. 152 00:11:44,476 --> 00:11:49,115 Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race and they're just aching to go! 153 00:11:49,365 --> 00:11:52,365 On your marks! Get set! 154 00:11:52,615 --> 00:11:55,083 And they're off! They're off! 155 00:11:57,134 --> 00:12:03,255 Well, back at the 1500 meters and the starter is putting up a magnificent show! 156 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:07,072 We've had volleys, rapid bursts, scattered random fire, fusillades firing, 157 00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:10,952 well and still he can't get the buggers moving. It's enough to make you chew your own foot off! 158 00:12:11,202 --> 00:12:14,638 And now the high jump! Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union. 159 00:12:14,888 --> 00:12:18,272 But what a jump! What a jump! That's got to be a record! 160 00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:23,860 And here we are at the 3000 meter steeplechase for people who think they're chickens! 161 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,692 There's Samuelsson of the United States, and over there is Klaus of East Germany! 162 00:12:27,942 --> 00:12:30,176 He's been a Rhode Island Red now for the last three olympics. 163 00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:32,336 There's the referee trying to get them going, but he's frightned them. 164 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,451 There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada who went off, got a very good start, 165 00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:38,277 then settled down there on the water jump, and has now gone broody. 166 00:12:38,527 --> 00:12:41,708 Now we are back with the marathon for incontinents once again. 167 00:12:41,958 --> 00:12:46,163 There's Polinski of Poland in the lead, and-and now Brewer of Australia is taking over! 168 00:12:46,413 --> 00:12:49,009 There's Laparche of France. Brewer has overtaken him, but he's going to spend a penny. 169 00:12:49,259 --> 00:12:51,493 There goes Brewer to spend a penny. And there goes K�nig of Austria. 170 00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:55,471 And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba, followed by the plucky Norwegian, Bors. 171 00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:57,914 They're in and out like yo-yos, these boys. And there's MacNaughton - 172 00:12:58,164 --> 00:12:59,750 MacNaughton the Scottish lad but he can't hold it. 173 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,143 It's Machievic, Machievic of Yugoslavia has taken over; he can't hold it either. 174 00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:06,933 Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders ever to represent their countries! 175 00:13:07,183 --> 00:13:13,233 And now, let's have a look back at what's going on down on stage! 176 00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:23,654 Good evening, ladies and bruces! 177 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:24,225 Hello, Bruce. 178 00:13:24,475 --> 00:13:25,028 G'day, Bruce. 179 00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:25,980 How are ya, Bruce. 180 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,520 What's all this lot, Bruce? 181 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:32,939 It's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening! 182 00:13:33,489 --> 00:13:37,919 We're all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloa, Australia! 183 00:13:38,169 --> 00:13:42,388 Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia! God love ya! 184 00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:46,920 I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy, 185 00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:48,600 and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip. 186 00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:51,797 Bloody difficult work, I tell ya! 187 00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:54,382 I'll tell you what, it's thirsty work watching this kind of humor, Bruce. 188 00:13:54,632 --> 00:13:57,376 Why don't you just stick out a few of these little free examples from your Esky and leave ---- 189 00:13:57,626 --> 00:14:00,440 What, give these ---- give these Americans our precious cans of ---- 190 00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:01,828 See how awful they are, grasping and go-getting. 191 00:14:02,078 --> 00:14:03,032 Okay, one over there. 192 00:14:03,282 --> 00:14:05,865 You can feel morally superior and smug. 193 00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:08,598 Right, there's one coming right over there. Mind out, charlies! 194 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,635 A big one, one big one, there we go! 195 00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,693 All right! Now, the reason we do this, ladies and bruces, 196 00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:20,842 is frankly over here we find your American beer is a little like making love in a canoe! 197 00:14:22,892 --> 00:14:24,509 Making love in a canoe? 198 00:14:24,759 --> 00:14:27,318 It's fucking close to water! 199 00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:28,618 Piss! 200 00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:34,326 Well now, we're going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing 201 00:14:34,576 --> 00:14:36,707 a nice intellectual song for for those two or three of you in the audience... 202 00:14:36,957 --> 00:14:37,768 Right! 203 00:14:38,018 --> 00:14:41,217 ...who understand these things. So, here we go! 204 00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:44,436 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 205 00:14:44,686 --> 00:14:46,552 Who was very rarely stable 206 00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,456 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 207 00:14:48,706 --> 00:14:50,594 Who could think you under the table 208 00:14:50,844 --> 00:14:53,025 David Hume could out-consume 209 00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:55,278 Schopenhauer and Hegel 210 00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,812 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine 211 00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:59,746 Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel 212 00:15:00,096 --> 00:15:03,745 There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya 213 00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:06,337 'Bout the raising of the wrist 214 00:15:06,587 --> 00:15:11,736 Socrates himself was permanently pissed 215 00:15:11,986 --> 00:15:13,562 Just a... 216 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:14,985 How do you like that? All right! 217 00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:18,564 Let's hold it a second. I can see some of these bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight. 218 00:15:18,814 --> 00:15:19,640 Ain't that, Bruce? 219 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,115 Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose. 220 00:15:23,664 --> 00:15:25,625 Anyway, why don't we do something rather... 221 00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:31,741 Why don't we get some of these guys to sing along with us? Okay, and some of the Shielas too. 222 00:15:32,991 --> 00:15:33,898 Ok, I've got the words somewhere. 223 00:15:34,148 --> 00:15:35,635 Right! Ready! 224 00:15:35,885 --> 00:15:38,342 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 225 00:15:38,592 --> 00:15:41,190 Who was very rarely stable 226 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,672 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy... 227 00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:46,043 They're a typical Hollywood audience! 228 00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:50,787 All the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates! 229 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,322 Very philosophical, Bruce, I like it. 230 00:15:52,572 --> 00:15:54,931 Have we got any...have we got anything bigger to put the words up 231 00:15:55,181 --> 00:15:59,629 for these rather shortsighted people? 232 00:16:01,479 --> 00:16:03,451 This is Bruce from the Biology Department. 233 00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:07,648 All right. Okay, here we go. 234 00:16:07,898 --> 00:16:11,252 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 235 00:16:11,502 --> 00:16:13,498 Who was very rarely stable 236 00:16:13,607 --> 00:16:15,416 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 237 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,635 Who could take you under the table 238 00:16:18,485 --> 00:16:20,539 David Hume could out-consume 239 00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:22,869 Schopenhauer and Hegel 240 00:16:23,119 --> 00:16:24,736 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine 241 00:16:24,986 --> 00:16:27,365 Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel 242 00:16:27,615 --> 00:16:31,116 There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya 243 00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,220 'Bout the raising of the wrist 244 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:40,060 Socrates himself was permanently pissed 245 00:16:41,510 --> 00:16:42,575 John Stuart Mill of his own free will 246 00:16:42,825 --> 00:16:45,423 On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill 247 00:16:45,673 --> 00:16:47,652 Plato they say could stick it away 248 00:16:47,902 --> 00:16:49,955 Half a crate of whiskey every day 249 00:16:50,205 --> 00:16:52,216 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle 250 00:16:52,466 --> 00:16:54,442 Hobbes was fond of his Dram 251 00:16:54,692 --> 00:16:56,120 And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart 252 00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:59,659 "I drink, therefore I am !" 253 00:16:59,909 --> 00:17:06,191 Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed 254 00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,471 A lovely little thinker 255 00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:09,092 But a bugger when he's pissed. 256 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,050 Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, 257 00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:33,340 but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, so it takes me longer to get to the office. 258 00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:35,420 Now, uhm, what was it again? 259 00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:41,440 Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it. 260 00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:44,797 I see. Well, um, may I see this silly walk of yours? 261 00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:47,097 Oh, yes, certainly. 262 00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:10,666 Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it? 263 00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:12,051 Ah, well, yes, that's it. 264 00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:15,866 Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it? 265 00:18:16,365 --> 00:18:18,576 I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg 266 00:18:18,826 --> 00:18:21,248 merely does a forward aerial O'Brien half turn every alternate step. 267 00:18:21,498 --> 00:18:24,469 Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly. 268 00:18:24,719 --> 00:18:28,729 Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is one of finance. 269 00:18:28,979 --> 00:18:33,100 You see, there's defense, education, housing, health, social security, silly walks. 270 00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,952 They're all supposed to get the same. But last year 271 00:18:35,202 --> 00:18:39,609 the government spent less on Silly Walks than they did on industrial reorganisation. 272 00:18:39,859 --> 00:18:46,658 We're supposed to get 348 million pounds a year to cover our entire Silly Walks programme. Coffee? 273 00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:49,795 Yes, please. 274 00:18:53,894 --> 00:18:58,514 Hello, uh, Mrs. Twolumps, uhm, could we have two cups of coffee, please. 275 00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,317 Yes, Mr. Teabag. 276 00:19:00,768 --> 00:19:02,748 Mad as a hatter. You see, the Israelis already have a man 277 00:19:02,998 --> 00:19:05,736 who can take his own left leg off and swallow it with every alternate step, 278 00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:11,036 whereas the Japanese, cunning electronically obsessed little... 279 00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:20,039 Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps. 280 00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:22,375 You're...you're really interested in silly walks, aren't you? 281 00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:24,163 Rather! 282 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,463 Right, well, take a look at this! 283 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,659 Oh, I've had a bitch of a morning in the high court! 284 00:20:22,170 --> 00:20:25,715 Oh, I could stamp my little feet, the way those counsellors carry on. 285 00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:27,248 Oh, don't I know it, love. 286 00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:33,652 Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well! 287 00:20:34,614 --> 00:20:35,757 Beautiful speaking voice. 288 00:20:36,007 --> 00:20:37,055 And what a body! 289 00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:43,489 Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel. 290 00:20:43,739 --> 00:20:44,619 You what, love? 291 00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,752 I banged me gavel! 292 00:20:46,002 --> 00:20:46,518 Oh, get away! 293 00:20:46,768 --> 00:20:47,962 I did! 294 00:20:48,776 --> 00:20:50,442 I did my "silence in court" bit. 295 00:20:51,332 --> 00:20:54,967 If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years. 296 00:20:55,785 --> 00:20:57,960 How did your summing-up go? 297 00:21:03,209 --> 00:21:05,918 Uh, actually, I did my butch voice, you know, 298 00:21:06,168 --> 00:21:08,686 "what the jury must understand", and they loved it! 299 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:12,429 I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me! 300 00:21:12,679 --> 00:21:13,053 Really? 301 00:21:13,303 --> 00:21:18,233 Oh, yeah. Cheeky devil! I finished up with, I got really strict: 302 00:21:18,483 --> 00:21:22,834 "The actions of these vicious men are a violent stain upon the community, 303 00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:27,594 and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!" 304 00:21:28,047 --> 00:21:30,132 And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha! 305 00:21:30,382 --> 00:21:30,934 You waggled you what? 306 00:21:31,184 --> 00:21:31,887 I waggled me wig! 307 00:21:32,137 --> 00:21:32,801 Really? 308 00:21:33,051 --> 00:21:34,552 That was the only thing I waggled. 309 00:21:34,802 --> 00:21:36,502 Ever so slightly, stunning effect. 310 00:21:36,752 --> 00:21:38,771 Anyway, I gave him three years. He only took ten minutes. 311 00:21:39,021 --> 00:21:42,694 Ooh...well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: 312 00:21:42,944 --> 00:21:46,653 "You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it'll never stand up in court!" 313 00:21:47,503 --> 00:21:48,553 Oh, I know what you mean. 314 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:11,165 Good evening. Tonight on World Forum we are deeply privileged to have with us Karl Marx, 315 00:23:11,415 --> 00:23:15,465 the founder of modern socialism and author of the Communist Manifesto; 316 00:23:17,692 --> 00:23:21,528 Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, 317 00:23:21,778 --> 00:23:26,454 leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern socialism; 318 00:23:26,704 --> 00:23:30,754 Che Guevara, the Bolivian guerilla leader; 319 00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:37,350 and Mao Tse-tung, chairman of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. 320 00:23:37,869 --> 00:23:42,133 And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. "The Hammers." 321 00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:46,483 "The Hammers" is the nickname of what English football team? 322 00:23:53,049 --> 00:23:54,099 "The Hammers." 323 00:23:55,292 --> 00:23:56,492 No? Well, bad luck, Karl. 324 00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:59,612 It is, in fact, West Ham United. 325 00:24:00,162 --> 00:24:03,891 Now, Che Guevara. Che... 326 00:24:04,141 --> 00:24:08,191 Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? 327 00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:14,912 No? I can throw the question open. Anybody else? 328 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,853 Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? 329 00:24:19,903 --> 00:24:22,866 No, well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It is in fact a trick question. 330 00:24:23,116 --> 00:24:28,117 Coventry City have never won the English Football Cup. 331 00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:31,404 So now with the scores all even, it's on to Round 2, 332 00:24:31,654 --> 00:24:34,704 and Lenin, your starter for $10. 333 00:24:35,776 --> 00:24:41,583 Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major solid gold hits in the U.S. of A. 334 00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:43,833 What's the name of the biggest? 335 00:24:46,588 --> 00:24:49,288 Jerry Lee Lewis' solid gold biggie? 336 00:24:50,916 --> 00:24:52,416 No? 337 00:24:53,143 --> 00:24:54,098 Yes, Mao Tse-tung? 338 00:24:54,348 --> 00:24:55,887 "Great Balls of Fire?" 339 00:24:56,137 --> 00:24:58,137 Yes, it was indeed! 340 00:25:01,923 --> 00:25:02,923 Very well challenged. 341 00:25:03,508 --> 00:25:08,329 Well, now we come on to our third round. Our contestant tonight is Karl Marx 342 00:25:08,579 --> 00:25:14,387 and our special prize is this beautiful lounge suite! 343 00:25:14,637 --> 00:25:18,530 Uh, Karl has elected to answer questions on workers' control of factories, 344 00:25:18,780 --> 00:25:21,257 so here we go with question number one. You, nervous, Karl? 345 00:25:21,657 --> 00:25:24,392 Just a little. Well, never mind, Karl, have a go! 346 00:25:25,292 --> 00:25:30,846 The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development? 347 00:25:31,096 --> 00:25:33,398 The development of the industrial bourgeoisie. 348 00:25:33,648 --> 00:25:39,819 Good! Yes, it is indeed! Well done, Karl! You're on your way to your lounge suite! 349 00:25:40,069 --> 00:25:46,606 Now Karl, number two. The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? 350 00:25:46,856 --> 00:25:48,029 A political struggle. 351 00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:50,279 Good! Yes, it is indeed. 352 00:25:50,999 --> 00:25:52,968 Well done, Karl! One final question, 353 00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:57,135 and that beautiful non-materialistic lounge suite will be yours! 354 00:25:58,134 --> 00:26:00,822 Ready, Karl? You're a brave man. Your final question: 355 00:26:01,072 --> 00:26:04,144 Who won the English Football Cup in 1949? 356 00:26:05,943 --> 00:26:10,038 Uhuh, the workers control the means of production? The-the struggle of the urban proletariat? 357 00:26:10,288 --> 00:26:13,685 Uh, no, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1. 358 00:26:13,935 --> 00:26:14,985 Oh, shit! 359 00:26:16,655 --> 00:26:17,855 Get out of here! 360 00:26:20,026 --> 00:26:24,026 Well, no one leaves this show empty-handed, so we're gonna cut off his hands. 361 00:26:26,196 --> 00:26:29,085 Well, now it's talent spotting time, ladies and gentlemen, 362 00:26:29,335 --> 00:26:33,208 and please see if you can spot any talent in our next competitors. 363 00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:39,508 Will you please give a very big hand and a warm welcome to Carl Weetabix and Rita! 364 00:26:46,263 --> 00:26:49,517 I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I've got speed, 365 00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:52,730 I've got everything I need. 366 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:55,601 I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I can fly, 367 00:26:55,851 --> 00:26:58,632 I'm a supersonic guy 368 00:26:59,732 --> 00:27:03,604 I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain, 369 00:27:03,854 --> 00:27:07,144 If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again 370 00:27:07,394 --> 00:27:10,940 I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I'm making out, 371 00:27:11,190 --> 00:27:14,223 I'm all about 372 00:27:14,473 --> 00:27:17,836 I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face 373 00:27:18,086 --> 00:27:21,451 My natural exuberance spills out all over the place 374 00:27:21,701 --> 00:27:24,953 I'm the urban spaceman, I'm intelligent and clean, 375 00:27:25,203 --> 00:27:28,638 Know what I mean? 376 00:27:28,888 --> 00:27:32,214 I'm the urban spaceman, as a lover, second to none, 377 00:27:32,464 --> 00:27:35,682 It's a lot of fun 378 00:27:35,932 --> 00:27:39,296 I never let my friends down, I could have made a boob 379 00:27:39,546 --> 00:27:42,835 I'm a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube 380 00:27:43,085 --> 00:27:46,375 I'm the urban spaceman, baby, here comes the twist 381 00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:49,675 I don't exist. 382 00:28:18,294 --> 00:28:19,029 Mr. Hilton? 383 00:28:19,279 --> 00:28:20,016 Ah, yes. 384 00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:23,627 You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? 385 00:28:23,877 --> 00:28:25,927 I am. 386 00:28:28,256 --> 00:28:30,709 Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad... 387 00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:31,767 Oh, yes. 388 00:28:32,017 --> 00:28:35,603 ...and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled 389 00:28:35,853 --> 00:28:36,657 "The Whizzo Quality Assortment." 390 00:28:36,907 --> 00:28:37,680 Ah, good, yes. 391 00:28:37,930 --> 00:28:41,984 If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry Fondue. 392 00:28:42,234 --> 00:28:46,656 Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that! 393 00:28:46,906 --> 00:28:48,228 Agreed. 394 00:28:48,478 --> 00:28:51,037 Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog." 395 00:28:51,287 --> 00:28:53,173 Ah, yes. 396 00:28:53,423 --> 00:28:55,473 Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? 397 00:28:56,402 --> 00:28:57,718 Yes, a little one. 398 00:28:57,968 --> 00:28:58,816 Is it cooked? 399 00:28:59,066 --> 00:28:59,796 No. 400 00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:01,657 What? A raw frog? 401 00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:06,329 We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, 402 00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:09,833 cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, 403 00:29:10,083 --> 00:29:14,250 and sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple-smooth full-cream treble milk chocolate envelope, 404 00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:16,951 and lovingly frosted with glucose! 405 00:29:17,201 --> 00:29:19,871 That's as may be, but it's still a frog! 406 00:29:20,121 --> 00:29:21,186 What else would it be? 407 00:29:21,436 --> 00:29:23,413 What! Don't you even take the bones out? 408 00:29:23,663 --> 00:29:26,713 If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? 409 00:29:30,084 --> 00:29:33,083 Constable Parrot ate one of those! 410 00:29:33,333 --> 00:29:34,284 Would you excuse me for a moment, sir? 411 00:29:34,534 --> 00:29:35,309 Yes. 412 00:29:35,559 --> 00:29:38,410 Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly. 413 00:29:38,660 --> 00:29:40,708 Well, never mind that. We have to protect the public. 414 00:29:40,958 --> 00:29:43,263 People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate. 415 00:29:43,513 --> 00:29:47,385 The superintendent thought it was an Almond Whirl. They're bound to think it's some kind of mock frog. 416 00:29:47,635 --> 00:29:53,333 Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind! 417 00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:57,093 Nevertheless, I advise you to in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog" 418 00:29:57,343 --> 00:30:03,550 with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog" if you want to avoid prosecution. 419 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:04,865 What about our sales? 420 00:30:05,115 --> 00:30:07,749 I don't give a damn about your sales. We have to protect the public! 421 00:30:07,999 --> 00:30:10,276 Now, what was this one? Number five. It was number five, wasn't it? 422 00:30:11,076 --> 00:30:13,826 Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!" 423 00:30:18,515 --> 00:30:21,103 Now what kind of confection is this? 424 00:30:21,353 --> 00:30:25,517 We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, 425 00:30:25,767 --> 00:30:32,156 emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit! 426 00:30:32,406 --> 00:30:33,436 Larks' vomit? 427 00:30:33,686 --> 00:30:35,006 Correct. 428 00:30:35,256 --> 00:30:37,924 It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit! 429 00:30:38,174 --> 00:30:42,224 Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate. 430 00:30:43,976 --> 00:30:48,726 I hardly think this is good enough! It would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label. 431 00:30:48,976 --> 00:30:51,102 "Warning: Larks' Vomit!" 432 00:30:51,352 --> 00:30:52,781 Our sales would plummet! 433 00:30:53,031 --> 00:30:56,685 Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, 434 00:30:56,935 --> 00:31:01,431 like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm led to understand, or Strawberry Delight? 435 00:31:01,681 --> 00:31:07,987 I mean, what's this one? "Cockroach Cluster?" And this, "Anthrax Ripple?" 436 00:31:27,487 --> 00:31:30,509 And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?" 437 00:31:30,759 --> 00:31:34,134 Aaah, that's our speciality! Covered in darkest, velvety smooth chocolate, 438 00:31:34,384 --> 00:31:40,284 when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks! 439 00:31:43,018 --> 00:31:48,314 If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced! 440 00:31:48,564 --> 00:31:52,182 In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat! 441 00:31:52,432 --> 00:31:54,106 I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. 442 00:31:54,356 --> 00:31:55,459 It's a fair cop. 443 00:31:55,709 --> 00:31:57,759 And don't talk to the audience! 444 00:32:16,971 --> 00:32:20,826 Intermission 445 00:32:21,975 --> 00:32:30,025 Albatross! Albatross! Albatross! 446 00:32:35,528 --> 00:32:38,528 You're not supposed to be smoking that! 447 00:32:40,564 --> 00:32:42,564 Albatross! Don't take them! 448 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,436 What flavor is it? What flavor is it? 449 00:32:45,686 --> 00:32:50,686 Seagullsickle! Pelican-bonbon! 450 00:32:53,075 --> 00:32:54,225 Albatross! 451 00:32:54,863 --> 00:32:57,136 Could I have... Could I have two ice creams, please? 452 00:32:57,386 --> 00:33:00,528 I haven't got any ice creams, I just got this albatross! 453 00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:01,660 Albatross! 454 00:33:01,910 --> 00:33:02,960 Uh, what flavor is it? 455 00:33:04,573 --> 00:33:10,089 Well, it's an albatross, isn't it? It's not any bloody flavor! Albatross! 456 00:33:10,339 --> 00:33:12,277 There's gotta be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor... 457 00:33:12,527 --> 00:33:15,489 All right, all right! It's bloody albatross flavor! 458 00:33:15,739 --> 00:33:20,817 Bleedin' seabird, bleedin' flavor! Albatross! 459 00:33:21,067 --> 00:33:21,987 Do you get wafers with it? 460 00:33:22,237 --> 00:33:24,576 Of course you don't get fucking wafers with it, you cunt! 461 00:33:24,826 --> 00:33:26,801 It's a fucking albatross, I mean... 462 00:33:27,051 --> 00:33:33,001 Stop that! Stop that! It's filthy! Hold on! Right now, we need you! 463 00:33:33,251 --> 00:33:36,436 The one in the black, we need you for another skit on stage. 464 00:33:36,686 --> 00:33:38,371 And you, get off! You're not even a proper woman! 465 00:33:38,621 --> 00:33:39,976 Don't you oppress me, mate! 466 00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:42,384 What are you trying to do? Avoid registration or something? 467 00:33:42,634 --> 00:33:43,990 Bleedin' sexist! 468 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:49,426 Come along, we need you for a skit! No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. 469 00:33:49,676 --> 00:33:52,128 Except perhaps for my wife and some of her friends. 470 00:33:52,378 --> 00:33:53,443 Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. 471 00:33:53,693 --> 00:33:56,924 Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point. 472 00:33:57,174 --> 00:34:00,961 Right! Let's get on with this skit! Where's the other person for this skit? 473 00:34:01,211 --> 00:34:07,227 Right, you want to sit in that chair? And... cue... the... skit! 474 00:34:07,534 --> 00:34:08,836 Evening, squire! 475 00:34:09,786 --> 00:34:11,836 Good evening. 476 00:34:14,369 --> 00:34:20,408 Is your...is your wife a goer? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! 477 00:34:22,958 --> 00:34:24,277 I-I...I beg your pardon? 478 00:34:24,527 --> 00:34:28,838 Your...your wife. Does she go, eh? Does she go, eh? Eh? 479 00:34:29,088 --> 00:34:32,070 Huh, sometimes she has to go, yes. 480 00:34:32,521 --> 00:34:37,597 I bet she does! I bet she does! Say no more! Say no more! Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! 481 00:34:38,396 --> 00:34:39,751 I'm afraid I don't quite follow you... 482 00:34:40,001 --> 00:34:46,038 Oh, "follow me, follow me"? That's good, that's very good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! 483 00:34:47,188 --> 00:34:48,289 Are...are you selling something? 484 00:34:48,539 --> 00:34:58,406 "Selling, selling"...very good indeed! You're wicked, you are, eh? Wicked, eh? Ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Wicked! Say no more! 485 00:35:01,734 --> 00:35:05,255 Whoa! So your wife's interested in... in sport? Eh? 486 00:35:05,505 --> 00:35:06,969 Ah, she likes sport, yes. 487 00:35:07,219 --> 00:35:10,400 I bet she does! I bet she does! 488 00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,664 As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket. 489 00:35:12,914 --> 00:35:15,524 She likes "games", eh? Likes "games"? 490 00:35:15,774 --> 00:35:18,326 Knew she would, she's been around a bit, eh? She's been around? 491 00:35:18,826 --> 00:35:20,673 Well, she has travelled, yes. She's from Glendale. 492 00:35:27,924 --> 00:35:29,924 Say no more! 493 00:35:33,664 --> 00:35:37,714 Glendale, squire? Say no more! Say no more! Say no more! Say no more! 494 00:35:41,405 --> 00:35:48,405 Whoa! Is your...is your Glendale wife interested in...photography? Eh? Eh? Eh? 495 00:35:48,311 --> 00:35:49,666 Photography? 496 00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:53,460 "Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly! 497 00:35:53,710 --> 00:35:54,376 Photography? 498 00:35:54,626 --> 00:35:57,914 Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more! 499 00:35:58,164 --> 00:35:59,155 Sort of...holiday snaps, eh? 500 00:35:59,405 --> 00:36:01,163 They could be, they could be taken on holiday, you know! 501 00:36:01,413 --> 00:36:04,815 Swimming costumes, candid...you know, "candid" photography? 502 00:36:05,065 --> 00:36:06,782 No, we don't have a camera! 503 00:36:07,032 --> 00:36:16,195 Ah. Still, whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaahaha! Huhuh! 504 00:36:16,445 --> 00:36:19,022 Look, are you insinuating something? 505 00:36:20,021 --> 00:36:22,021 Oh, no, no, no... 506 00:36:22,776 --> 00:36:23,976 yes! 507 00:36:25,532 --> 00:36:26,195 Well? 508 00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:31,157 Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire, you know...you're...you've been around, you know? 509 00:36:31,407 --> 00:36:33,054 What do you mean? 510 00:36:33,304 --> 00:36:40,804 Well, I mean, like, you've...you know, you...like... you've done it, you know...you've slept...with a lady? 511 00:36:44,471 --> 00:36:45,882 Yes. 512 00:36:46,132 --> 00:36:48,182 What's it like? 513 00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:55,436 Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, 514 00:36:55,686 --> 00:36:58,192 M�nchen, for the second leg of this exciting final. 515 00:36:58,442 --> 00:37:02,148 GERMANY VS. GREECE 516 00:37:02,398 --> 00:37:05,651 And here come the Germans now, led by their skipper "Nobby" Hegel. 517 00:37:05,901 --> 00:37:07,621 They must surely start favorites this afternoon. 518 00:37:07,871 --> 00:37:11,051 They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team problems. 519 00:37:11,301 --> 00:37:13,679 And let's now see their line-up : 520 00:37:13,929 --> 00:37:16,671 The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal, 521 00:37:16,921 --> 00:37:18,860 back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer, and Schelling, 522 00:37:19,110 --> 00:37:21,420 front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche, and Heidegger, 523 00:37:21,670 --> 00:37:23,761 and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. 524 00:37:24,011 --> 00:37:26,722 Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there. 525 00:37:28,822 --> 00:37:33,457 And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre half Herakleitos. Let's look at their team : 526 00:37:33,707 --> 00:37:35,611 As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up. 527 00:37:35,861 --> 00:37:38,872 Plato's in goal, Socrates a front runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper. 528 00:37:39,122 --> 00:37:44,510 Aristotle, very much the man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes. 529 00:37:47,710 --> 00:37:51,529 Well, here comes the referee: K'ung fu-tsze (Confucius) and his two linesmen, 530 00:37:51,879 --> 00:37:53,527 St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. 531 00:37:53,777 --> 00:37:57,687 And as the two skippers come together to shake hands we're ready for the start 532 00:37:57,937 --> 00:38:02,977 of this very exciting final.. The referee, Mr. Confucius, checks his sand...and... 533 00:38:03,227 --> 00:38:04,257 ...they're off! 534 00:38:04,507 --> 00:38:08,344 Nietzsche and Hegel there, Karl Jaspers number 7 on the outside, 535 00:38:08,594 --> 00:38:13,162 Wittgenstein there with him. There's Beckenbauer, Schelling's in there, 536 00:38:13,412 --> 00:38:20,239 Heidegger covering, Schopenhauer. And now it's the Greeks. Epikuros, Plotinus number six, 537 00:38:20,489 --> 00:38:24,070 Aristotle, Empedokles of Acraga, and Demokrites with him. 538 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:35,198 There's Archimedes, Socrates, there he is, Socrates, Socrates there going through... There's the ball, there's the ball! 539 00:38:35,448 --> 00:38:40,498 We'll be bringing you back to this exciting contest the moment anything interesting happens. 540 00:38:49,822 --> 00:38:52,819 Very passable, this, eh? Very passable. 541 00:38:53,069 --> 00:38:54,717 Nothing like a good glass of Ch�teau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah? 542 00:38:54,967 --> 00:38:57,343 Oh, you're right there, Obadiah. 543 00:38:57,593 --> 00:39:04,457 Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Ch�teau de Chaselet, eh? 544 00:39:04,707 --> 00:39:06,903 Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea. 545 00:39:07,153 --> 00:39:08,983 Ay! A cup of cold tea! 546 00:39:09,233 --> 00:39:10,369 Without milk or sugar! 547 00:39:10,619 --> 00:39:12,565 Or tea! 548 00:39:12,815 --> 00:39:14,676 In a cracked cup and all. 549 00:39:14,926 --> 00:39:19,572 Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper! 550 00:39:19,822 --> 00:39:23,288 The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. 551 00:39:23,538 --> 00:39:26,426 But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor. 552 00:39:26,676 --> 00:39:28,287 Because we were poor! 553 00:39:28,537 --> 00:39:31,351 My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!" 554 00:39:31,601 --> 00:39:32,702 He was right! 555 00:39:32,952 --> 00:39:36,352 I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this 556 00:39:36,602 --> 00:39:40,584 tiny old tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof. 557 00:39:40,834 --> 00:39:44,236 House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, 558 00:39:44,486 --> 00:39:47,173 all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, 559 00:39:47,423 --> 00:39:49,938 we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling. 560 00:39:50,938 --> 00:39:53,839 You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor! 561 00:39:54,089 --> 00:40:00,303 Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! 562 00:40:00,553 --> 00:40:04,005 We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. 563 00:40:04,955 --> 00:40:10,396 We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh! 564 00:40:10,646 --> 00:40:14,045 Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground, 565 00:40:14,295 --> 00:40:18,206 covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us! 566 00:40:18,456 --> 00:40:23,898 We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake! 567 00:40:24,698 --> 00:40:30,594 You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road! 568 00:40:32,794 --> 00:40:33,686 A cardboard box? 569 00:40:33,936 --> 00:40:40,311 You were lucky! We lived for three months in a rolled-up newspaper in a septic tank! 570 00:40:41,261 --> 00:40:44,293 We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, 571 00:40:44,543 --> 00:40:47,575 go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, 572 00:40:47,825 --> 00:40:53,243 for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt! 573 00:40:54,393 --> 00:40:59,288 Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, 574 00:40:59,538 --> 00:41:02,899 clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at mill, 575 00:41:03,149 --> 00:41:05,235 for twopence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head 576 00:41:05,485 --> 00:41:08,101 and neck with a broken bottle, if we were lucky! 577 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:14,210 Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox 578 00:41:14,460 --> 00:41:18,846 in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! 579 00:41:19,096 --> 00:41:23,406 We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill 580 00:41:23,656 --> 00:41:29,170 for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife! 581 00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:32,804 Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, 582 00:41:33,054 --> 00:41:38,875 half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day 583 00:41:39,125 --> 00:41:41,064 down mill and pay mill-owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, 584 00:41:41,314 --> 00:41:46,031 our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah! 585 00:41:48,831 --> 00:41:52,785 Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you! 586 00:41:53,035 --> 00:41:54,085 No, no they won't! 587 00:41:56,824 --> 00:41:58,903 Sports Update 588 00:41:59,153 --> 00:42:02,383 Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. 589 00:42:02,633 --> 00:42:05,958 As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. 590 00:42:06,208 --> 00:42:10,471 He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius he say, "Name go in book." 591 00:42:10,721 --> 00:42:13,892 And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games. 592 00:42:14,492 --> 00:42:17,631 And, who's that? It's Karl Marx. Karl Marx is warming up. 593 00:42:17,881 --> 00:42:20,490 It looks as though there's going to be a substitution on the German side. 594 00:42:20,740 --> 00:42:25,280 Obviously manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must, 595 00:42:25,530 --> 00:42:28,180 with only two minutes of the match to go. But the big question is: 596 00:42:28,830 --> 00:42:31,645 Who is he going to replace? Who is going to come off? It could be Jaspers, 597 00:42:31,895 --> 00:42:33,567 Hegel or Schopenhauer. But it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, 598 00:42:33,817 --> 00:42:35,585 who saw his aunty only last week! And here's Marx! 599 00:42:35,835 --> 00:42:37,963 Let's see if he can put some life into this German attack. 600 00:42:38,713 --> 00:42:42,559 Evidently not. What a shame. Well, now, with just over a minute left, 601 00:42:42,809 --> 00:42:44,776 a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital. 602 00:42:45,026 --> 00:42:47,994 There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea! 603 00:42:48,244 --> 00:42:49,837 Heureka! 604 00:42:50,987 --> 00:42:56,509 Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Herakleitos, 605 00:42:56,859 --> 00:43:00,402 he beats Hegel, Herakleitos, a little flick, here he comes on the far post, 606 00:43:00,652 --> 00:43:03,288 Socrates is there! Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored! 607 00:43:03,538 --> 00:43:07,521 The Greeks are going mad! The Greeks are going mad, Socrates scores, 608 00:43:07,771 --> 00:43:10,039 what a beautiful cross from Archimedes! The Germans are disputing it. 609 00:43:10,289 --> 00:43:13,814 Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics; 610 00:43:14,064 --> 00:43:18,391 Kant, via the categorical imperative, is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination; 611 00:43:18,641 --> 00:43:20,157 and Marx is claiming it was offside. 612 00:43:20,507 --> 00:43:24,270 But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle! It's all over! 613 00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,263 Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes 614 00:43:27,513 --> 00:43:30,565 in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and let's see it again. 615 00:43:31,615 --> 00:43:34,837 There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibniz doesn't have a chance. 616 00:43:35,087 --> 00:43:38,469 And just look at those delighted Greeks. 617 00:43:38,819 --> 00:43:43,495 There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles, Empedokles of Acragus, what a game he had. 618 00:43:43,745 --> 00:43:47,137 And Epikuros is there, and Socrates, the captain, 619 00:43:47,387 --> 00:43:51,437 who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career. 620 00:44:02,581 --> 00:44:04,337 Good afternoon, sir. May I help you? 621 00:44:04,587 --> 00:44:07,637 Yes, I'd like to have an argument, please. 622 00:44:12,139 --> 00:44:14,443 Certainly, sir. Uhm, have you been here before? 623 00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,194 Ah, no, this is my first time. 624 00:44:16,444 --> 00:44:21,192 I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking of taking a course? 625 00:44:21,442 --> 00:44:23,164 Well, uh, what is the cost? 626 00:44:23,414 --> 00:44:28,271 Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. 627 00:44:28,521 --> 00:44:30,645 Well, I think I'll just try the one and see how it goes from there. 628 00:44:30,895 --> 00:44:34,511 Fine. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12. 629 00:44:34,761 --> 00:44:36,811 Thank you very much. 630 00:44:39,904 --> 00:44:40,485 What do you want? 631 00:44:40,735 --> 00:44:41,607 Well, I was told outside that... 632 00:44:41,857 --> 00:44:43,955 Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! 633 00:44:44,205 --> 00:44:44,477 What?! 634 00:44:44,727 --> 00:44:50,734 Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type make me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert! 635 00:44:51,284 --> 00:44:52,675 Listen, I came here for an argument! 636 00:44:52,925 --> 00:44:54,975 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse! 637 00:44:55,225 --> 00:44:56,910 Oh, oh, I see! 638 00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:57,858 Terribly sorry. 639 00:44:58,108 --> 00:44:59,355 No, you want Room 12A, next door. 640 00:44:59,605 --> 00:45:01,072 Oh, I see. Thank you very much. 641 00:45:01,322 --> 00:45:02,372 Not at all. 642 00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:05,290 Stupid git... 643 00:45:07,706 --> 00:45:10,593 Uh, is this the right room for an argument? 644 00:45:10,843 --> 00:45:12,675 I've told you once. 645 00:45:12,925 --> 00:45:14,097 Uh, no, you haven't. 646 00:45:14,347 --> 00:45:14,973 Yes, I have. 647 00:45:15,223 --> 00:45:15,288 When? 648 00:45:15,538 --> 00:45:16,282 Just now. 649 00:45:16,532 --> 00:45:16,939 No, you didn't. 650 00:45:17,189 --> 00:45:17,889 Yes, I did. 651 00:45:18,139 --> 00:45:18,546 You didn't! 652 00:45:18,796 --> 00:45:18,830 I did. 653 00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:19,116 No, you didn't! 654 00:45:19,366 --> 00:45:20,356 I'm telling you I did! 655 00:45:20,606 --> 00:45:21,393 You most certainly did not! 656 00:45:21,643 --> 00:45:23,345 Ah, one moment, is this the five-minute argument or the full half hour? 657 00:45:23,595 --> 00:45:25,645 Oh, oh, I see. Just the five minutes. 658 00:45:25,895 --> 00:45:29,107 Just the five minutes... Right, thank you. Anyway, I did. 659 00:45:29,807 --> 00:45:30,702 Oh, no, you didn't. 660 00:45:30,952 --> 00:45:33,123 Now let's get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you. 661 00:45:33,373 --> 00:45:33,990 No, you didn't. 662 00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:34,548 Yes, I did. 663 00:45:34,798 --> 00:45:35,158 No, you didn't. 664 00:45:35,408 --> 00:45:35,798 Yes, I did. 665 00:45:36,048 --> 00:45:36,548 No, you didn't. 666 00:45:36,798 --> 00:45:42,095 - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't.- Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. 667 00:45:42,345 --> 00:45:43,102 Oh, look, this isn't an argument! 668 00:45:43,702 --> 00:45:44,137 Yes, it is! 669 00:45:44,387 --> 00:45:46,496 No, it isn't! It's just contradiction! 670 00:45:46,746 --> 00:45:46,800 No, it isn't! 671 00:45:47,050 --> 00:45:47,112 It is! 672 00:45:47,362 --> 00:45:47,543 It is not! 673 00:45:47,793 --> 00:45:48,610 It is! You just contradicted me! 674 00:45:48,860 --> 00:45:48,885 I did not! 675 00:45:49,135 --> 00:45:49,374 You did! 676 00:45:49,624 --> 00:45:49,756 No, no, no! 677 00:45:50,006 --> 00:45:50,519 You did just then! 678 00:45:50,769 --> 00:45:51,129 Nonsense! 679 00:45:51,379 --> 00:45:52,423 Oh, this is futile! 680 00:45:54,273 --> 00:45:54,823 No, it isn't. 681 00:45:55,832 --> 00:45:58,723 Yes, it is. I came here for a good argument. 682 00:45:58,973 --> 00:46:00,448 No, you didn't. You came here for an argument. 683 00:46:00,698 --> 00:46:02,308 Yes, but argument isn't just contradiction! 684 00:46:02,558 --> 00:46:04,099 Well, can be. 685 00:46:04,349 --> 00:46:07,168 No, an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. 686 00:46:07,418 --> 00:46:07,731 No, it isn't! 687 00:46:07,981 --> 00:46:09,869 Yes, it is! It isn't just contradiction! 688 00:46:10,119 --> 00:46:13,871 Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. 689 00:46:14,121 --> 00:46:16,219 Yes, but that isn't just saying "No, it isn't!" 690 00:46:16,469 --> 00:46:16,932 Yes, it is! 691 00:46:17,482 --> 00:46:17,567 No, it isn't! 692 00:46:17,817 --> 00:46:17,934 Yes, it is! 693 00:46:18,184 --> 00:46:18,368 No, it isn't! 694 00:46:18,618 --> 00:46:18,729 Yes, it is! 695 00:46:18,979 --> 00:46:19,132 No, it isn't! 696 00:46:19,382 --> 00:46:19,600 Yes, it is! - No, it isn't. -Yes, it is. 697 00:46:19,850 --> 00:46:23,641 Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just a automatic gain-saying 698 00:46:23,891 --> 00:46:24,980 of anything the other person says! 699 00:46:25,230 --> 00:46:25,611 It is not! 700 00:46:25,861 --> 00:46:25,987 It is! 701 00:46:26,237 --> 00:46:26,500 Not at all! 702 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:27,376 Now look... 703 00:46:27,626 --> 00:46:29,773 Thank you! Good morning! 704 00:46:30,923 --> 00:46:32,361 What? 705 00:46:33,111 --> 00:46:34,541 That's it! Good morning! 706 00:46:34,791 --> 00:46:35,599 I was just getting interested! 707 00:46:35,849 --> 00:46:38,068 Uh, I'm sorry, the five minutes is up! 708 00:46:38,318 --> 00:46:39,212 That was never five minutes, just now! 709 00:46:39,462 --> 00:46:40,563 I'm afraid it was. 710 00:46:40,813 --> 00:46:42,738 Oh, no, it wasn't. 711 00:46:45,338 --> 00:46:47,267 I'm sorry, I'm...I'm not allowed to argue anymore. 712 00:46:47,517 --> 00:46:47,783 What? 713 00:46:48,033 --> 00:46:50,526 If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minute. 714 00:46:50,776 --> 00:46:53,826 But that was never five minutes, just now! 715 00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:59,905 Oh, come on! Oh, this is ridiculous! 716 00:47:00,155 --> 00:47:04,173 If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes! 717 00:47:04,423 --> 00:47:07,365 Oh, all right. Here you are. 718 00:47:08,515 --> 00:47:10,069 Thank you. 719 00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:12,647 Well? 720 00:47:13,947 --> 00:47:14,683 Well what? 721 00:47:14,933 --> 00:47:15,892 That was never five minutes, just now! 722 00:47:16,142 --> 00:47:19,026 I told you, if you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. 723 00:47:19,276 --> 00:47:21,192 Yes, yes, well, I've just paid! 724 00:47:21,542 --> 00:47:23,149 No, you didn't! 725 00:47:23,399 --> 00:47:23,698 I did! 726 00:47:23,948 --> 00:47:24,245 You did not! 727 00:47:24,495 --> 00:47:24,720 I did! 728 00:47:24,970 --> 00:47:25,271 You never... 729 00:47:25,521 --> 00:47:25,601 I did! 730 00:47:25,851 --> 00:47:26,040 You never... 731 00:47:26,290 --> 00:47:26,332 I did! 732 00:47:26,582 --> 00:47:26,875 -You never... - I did! - You never... 733 00:47:27,125 --> 00:47:28,431 Look, I don't want to argue about this. 734 00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:29,956 Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay! 735 00:47:30,206 --> 00:47:38,256 Aha! But if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Ahaaa! Got you! 736 00:47:41,527 --> 00:47:42,262 No, you haven't. 737 00:47:42,512 --> 00:47:45,328 Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. 738 00:47:45,578 --> 00:47:48,653 Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. 739 00:47:48,903 --> 00:47:50,074 Oh, I've had enough of this! 740 00:47:50,324 --> 00:47:50,403 No, you haven't! 741 00:47:50,653 --> 00:47:50,668 Yes, I have! 742 00:47:50,918 --> 00:47:51,098 No, you haven't! 743 00:47:51,348 --> 00:47:51,489 Yes, I have! 744 00:47:51,639 --> 00:47:57,689 -No, you haven't! Yes, I have. No, You haven't........... 745 00:47:59,896 --> 00:48:04,208 I've got two legs from my hips to the ground 746 00:48:04,458 --> 00:48:08,039 And when I lift them they walk around 747 00:48:08,289 --> 00:48:11,797 And when I lift them they climb the stairs 748 00:48:12,047 --> 00:48:16,097 And when I shave them they ain't got hairs 749 00:48:33,479 --> 00:48:37,529 How sweet to be an idiot 750 00:48:40,139 --> 00:48:45,106 As harmless as a cloud 751 00:48:45,356 --> 00:48:48,211 Too small to hide the sun 752 00:48:48,461 --> 00:48:51,021 Almost poking fun 753 00:48:51,271 --> 00:48:56,604 At the warm but insecure untidy crowd 754 00:48:56,854 --> 00:49:02,590 How sweet to be an idiot 755 00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,552 And dip my brain in joy 756 00:49:07,802 --> 00:49:10,507 Children laughing at my back 757 00:49:10,757 --> 00:49:13,687 With no fear of attack 758 00:49:13,937 --> 00:49:18,935 As much retaliation as a toy 759 00:49:19,185 --> 00:49:24,517 How sweet to be an idiot 760 00:49:24,767 --> 00:49:26,817 How sweet 761 00:49:36,186 --> 00:49:38,930 I tiptoe down the street 762 00:49:39,180 --> 00:49:42,230 Smile at everyone I meet 763 00:49:50,124 --> 00:49:52,795 But suddenly a scream 764 00:49:53,045 --> 00:49:55,643 Smashes through my dream 765 00:49:55,893 --> 00:49:58,454 Fee-fi-fo-fum 766 00:49:58,704 --> 00:50:00,828 I smell blood of an asylum 767 00:50:01,078 --> 00:50:02,178 Hey you 768 00:50:02,428 --> 00:50:03,894 You're such a pedant 769 00:50:04,144 --> 00:50:06,633 You've got as much brain as a dead ant 770 00:50:06,883 --> 00:50:09,933 As much imagination as a caravan site 771 00:50:12,392 --> 00:50:15,209 But I still love you 772 00:50:15,459 --> 00:50:18,199 Still love you 773 00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:23,599 How sweet to be an idiot 774 00:50:23,849 --> 00:50:26,556 How sweet 775 00:50:26,806 --> 00:50:31,445 How sweet 776 00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:36,745 How sweet... 777 00:51:58,613 --> 00:51:59,507 Good morning. 778 00:52:00,207 --> 00:52:07,257 Oh, good morning. Uhm, have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blow job? 779 00:52:10,314 --> 00:52:11,451 I'm sorry? 780 00:52:11,701 --> 00:52:14,115 Uh, oh, you've come to arrange a holiday? 781 00:52:14,365 --> 00:52:15,504 Uuh...yes. 782 00:52:15,754 --> 00:52:20,758 Oh, sorry, sorry. Now, where were you thinking of going? 783 00:52:21,008 --> 00:52:22,474 Uh, to India. 784 00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,735 Ah, one of our adventure holidays. 785 00:52:24,985 --> 00:52:25,977 Yes, that's right. 786 00:52:26,227 --> 00:52:28,275 Well, you'd better see Mr. Bounder about that. 787 00:52:28,525 --> 00:52:34,575 Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in the "India Overland" - and nothing else. 788 00:52:39,234 --> 00:52:41,849 Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure. 789 00:52:42,099 --> 00:52:43,637 Oh, hello. My name is Smoketoomuch. 790 00:52:43,887 --> 00:52:44,549 What? 791 00:52:44,799 --> 00:52:48,236 My name is Smoketoomuch. Mr. Smoketoomuch. 792 00:52:48,486 --> 00:52:52,536 Well, you'd better cut down a little then. 793 00:52:55,309 --> 00:52:56,263 I'm sorry? 794 00:52:56,513 --> 00:52:59,563 You'd better cut down a little then. 795 00:53:00,892 --> 00:53:04,983 Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I'd better cut down a little then! 796 00:53:05,233 --> 00:53:10,458 Yes. Ooh, it's going to get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh? 797 00:53:10,708 --> 00:53:14,758 No, actually, it never struck me before. Smoketoomuch... 798 00:53:18,771 --> 00:53:21,221 Anyway, ehm, you're interested in one of our holidays, are you? 799 00:53:21,471 --> 00:53:24,943 Yes, that's right. I saw your advert in the blassified ads. 800 00:53:25,193 --> 00:53:25,746 The what? 801 00:53:25,996 --> 00:53:27,682 In The Times Blassified Ads. 802 00:53:27,932 --> 00:53:29,980 Ah, The Times Classified Ads. 803 00:53:30,230 --> 00:53:35,344 Yes, that's right. I'm afraid I have a speech impediment. I can't pronounce the letter B. 804 00:53:35,594 --> 00:53:36,292 Uh, C. 805 00:53:36,542 --> 00:53:42,095 Yes, that's right, B. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a sbhoolboy. 806 00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:44,466 I was attacked by a Siamese bat. 807 00:53:44,716 --> 00:53:46,511 Uh, ah, a Siamese cat. 808 00:53:46,761 --> 00:53:49,811 No, a Siamese bat. They're more dangerous. 809 00:53:51,175 --> 00:53:54,391 Well, listen...can you say the letter K? 810 00:53:54,641 --> 00:54:00,412 Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini, Kellogg's Born Flakes. 811 00:54:00,662 --> 00:54:05,447 Well, why don't you say the letter K instead of the letter C? 812 00:54:05,697 --> 00:54:08,950 Well, you mean, pronounce "blassified" with a K? 813 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:10,550 Yes, absolutely! 814 00:54:11,609 --> 00:54:12,783 Klassified! 815 00:54:13,033 --> 00:54:13,987 Good! 816 00:54:14,237 --> 00:54:19,287 Oh, it's very good! I never thought of that before. What a silly bunt. 817 00:54:22,118 --> 00:54:24,424 Now then, uhm, about the holiday... 818 00:54:24,674 --> 00:54:29,166 Yes, well, I've been on package tours many times before, so your advert really baught my eye. 819 00:54:29,416 --> 00:54:30,701 Good, good, jolly good, well, let me offer you this... 820 00:54:30,951 --> 00:54:33,184 Why-why, what's the point of going abroad, if your just going to be treated like a sheep? 821 00:54:33,434 --> 00:54:37,413 Carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oaves from Kettering and Boventry. 822 00:54:37,663 --> 00:54:38,151 Absolutely. 823 00:54:38,401 --> 00:54:42,308 Their bloth baps and their bardigans and their transistor radios, bomplaining about the tea: 824 00:54:42,558 --> 00:54:45,780 "Oh, they don't make it properly, do they?" And stopping at endless Majorcan bodegas 825 00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:47,262 selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and 826 00:54:47,512 --> 00:54:52,642 calamaries and two veg. And sitting in their cotton sun frocks, squirting Timothy Whites 827 00:54:52,892 --> 00:54:57,378 sun cream all over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh, 'cos they overdid it on the first day. 828 00:54:57,628 --> 00:54:58,730 Yes, I know just what you mean! Now, what we offer is... 829 00:54:58,980 --> 00:55:02,049 And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellevueses, 830 00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:05,405 Bontinentals with their international luxury modern roomettes... 831 00:55:05,655 --> 00:55:08,580 ...and swimming pools full of draught Red Barrel and fat German businessmen 832 00:55:08,830 --> 00:55:12,122 pretending to be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and... 833 00:55:12,372 --> 00:55:14,465 ...barging into the queues. And if you're not at your table... 834 00:55:14,715 --> 00:55:17,671 ...spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup, 835 00:55:17,921 --> 00:55:20,080 the first item in the menu of International Cuisine. 836 00:55:20,330 --> 00:55:21,112 Absolutely. Now what we have here is... 837 00:55:21,362 --> 00:55:24,535 Every Thursday night there's bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny, 838 00:55:24,785 --> 00:55:28,462 emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair 839 00:55:28,712 --> 00:55:32,268 Brylcremed down and big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners. 840 00:55:32,518 --> 00:55:33,365 Will you be quiet, please? 841 00:55:33,615 --> 00:55:36,558 And adenoidal typists from Birmingham with flabby white legs... 842 00:55:36,808 --> 00:55:36,940 Will you be quiet? 843 00:55:37,190 --> 00:55:39,604 ...and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy, bandy-legged, wop waiters called Manuel. 844 00:55:39,854 --> 00:55:40,662 Be-be quiet! 845 00:55:40,912 --> 00:55:43,803 And once a week there's an excursion to local Roman remains, 846 00:55:44,053 --> 00:55:44,825 where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream... 847 00:55:45,075 --> 00:55:45,665 Will you be quiet? 848 00:55:45,915 --> 00:55:47,126 ...and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel. 849 00:55:47,376 --> 00:55:48,075 Shut up! 850 00:55:48,325 --> 00:55:49,573 And one night they take you to a typical restaurant with local... 851 00:55:49,823 --> 00:55:50,141 Shut up! 852 00:55:50,391 --> 00:55:51,802 ...atmosphere and color and you sit next to a... 853 00:55:52,052 --> 00:55:52,376 Shut up! 854 00:55:52,626 --> 00:55:55,584 ...party of people from Rhyl who keep singing "I love the Costa Brava!" 855 00:55:55,884 --> 00:55:56,244 Shut up! 856 00:55:56,594 --> 00:56:01,381 "I love the Costa Brava!" And you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer 857 00:56:01,831 --> 00:56:05,339 from Luton with an Instamatic camera and last Tuesday's Daily Express... 858 00:56:05,589 --> 00:56:06,689 Please be quiet! This is the last time... 859 00:56:06,939 --> 00:56:09,598 ...and he drones on and on and on about how Ian Smith should be running the country 860 00:56:09,848 --> 00:56:13,758 and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak and then she throws up all over the cuba libres. 861 00:56:14,058 --> 00:56:16,270 And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton Airport 862 00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,208 on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dry British Airways-type sandwiches. 863 00:56:19,458 --> 00:56:21,287 Shut up! Please shut up! 864 00:56:21,537 --> 00:56:25,191 And you can't even get a glass of Watney's Red Barrel because you're still in England 865 00:56:25,441 --> 00:56:26,579 and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty. 866 00:56:26,829 --> 00:56:29,574 And the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ashtrays. 867 00:56:29,824 --> 00:56:34,575 They keep telling you it'll only be another hour, but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland, 868 00:56:34,825 --> 00:56:38,333 and has to come back and take a party of... Shut up!...take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia, 869 00:56:38,583 --> 00:56:41,288 before it can load you up at 3 a.m. in the morning. And then you 870 00:56:41,538 --> 00:56:44,755 sit on the tarmac for four hours because of unforeseen difficulties, 871 00:56:45,005 --> 00:56:47,893 i.e. the permanent strike of air traffic control over Paris. 872 00:56:48,143 --> 00:56:50,959 When you finally get to Malaga airport, everybody's queueing for the bloody toilet, 873 00:56:51,209 --> 00:56:53,819 and queueing for the bloody armed customs officers, and queueing for 874 00:56:54,069 --> 00:56:58,498 the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been built. 875 00:56:58,748 --> 00:57:02,471 When you finally get to the half-built Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol, 876 00:57:02,721 --> 00:57:06,134 by paying half your holiday money to a licensed bandit in a taxi, 877 00:57:06,384 --> 00:57:10,409 there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bog, there's no water in the tap, 878 00:57:10,659 --> 00:57:14,709 there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and half the rooms are double-booked, 879 00:57:15,260 --> 00:57:17,945 and you can't sleep anyway, 'cause of the permanent twenty-four hour drilling 880 00:57:18,195 --> 00:57:18,859 of the foundations of the hotel next door. 881 00:57:19,109 --> 00:57:23,961 Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises you the raging cholera epidemic 882 00:57:24,211 --> 00:57:29,425 is merely a mild outbreak of Spanish Tummy, rather like the previous outbreak in 1616 883 00:57:29,675 --> 00:57:32,725 even the bloody rats are dying from it! 884 00:57:33,971 --> 00:57:40,891 As early as the late 14th century, or indeed as late as the early 14th century, 885 00:57:41,241 --> 00:57:43,110 the earliest forms of japes were divisible in... 886 00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:47,744 Meanwhile, the bloody Guardia are busy arresting 16-year-olds for kissing in the streets. 887 00:57:47,994 --> 00:57:50,264 And finally on the last day in the airport lounge, 888 00:57:50,514 --> 00:57:53,513 everybody's buying little awful horrid donkeys with their names on, 889 00:57:53,763 --> 00:57:57,418 and bullfight posters with their own names on, like Antonio ----, 890 00:57:57,668 --> 00:58:01,945 Mr Brian Pules of Norwich. And then finally when you get to bloody Luton, 891 00:58:02,195 --> 00:58:05,449 you're ---- ---- for another four hours, while they find 892 00:58:05,699 --> 00:58:07,313 a plane that has to take you back to Manchester. 893 00:58:07,563 --> 00:58:10,997 And when you finally get to Manchester, there's only another bloody bus 894 00:58:11,247 --> 00:58:15,297 you have to wait sixteen hours for... 895 00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:23,151 As early as the late 14th century or indeed as late as the early 14th century, 896 00:58:23,401 --> 00:58:26,729 the earliest forms of jape were divisible into the two categories 897 00:58:26,979 --> 00:58:29,285 into which I now intend to divide them. 898 00:58:29,535 --> 00:58:33,807 The earliest manifestation of the of the basic simple precipitation jest incurred, 899 00:58:34,057 --> 00:58:38,477 as will be seen from the demonstration, a disproportionate amount of internal 900 00:58:38,727 --> 00:58:41,777 risibility on the part of the operator. 901 00:58:59,488 --> 00:59:05,039 Secondary precipitation occurs when both protagonists and dupe are located indoors. 902 00:59:05,289 --> 00:59:11,316 It is true, however, that this has involved the development of a special piece of machinery. 903 00:59:11,566 --> 00:59:16,616 But it is still no more than a simple variation of primary precipitation. 904 00:59:38,673 --> 00:59:44,723 The opening up of the African continent revealed a vast new source of wealth for humorous exploitation. 905 00:59:46,846 --> 00:59:51,896 We are to see demonstrated how this was adapted to the basic precipitation jape. 906 01:00:31,727 --> 01:00:34,727 We now come on to a considera... Ahem! 907 01:01:00,877 --> 01:01:07,668 We now come on to a consideration of the more sophisticated transitive mode of japing, 908 01:01:07,918 --> 01:01:12,412 in which, as we'll observe, the operator or inceptor remains totally 909 01:01:12,662 --> 01:01:17,712 unaware of the humorous implications of his action. 910 01:01:21,747 --> 01:01:28,797 first we are to see the simple sideswipe or "whop." 911 01:01:30,651 --> 01:01:32,701 Hey, Vance! 912 01:01:40,722 --> 01:01:44,412 Next, the "sideswipe and return." 913 01:01:44,662 --> 01:01:46,712 Hey, Vance! 914 01:01:57,249 --> 01:02:01,299 And now, the "double sideswipe and return." 915 01:02:07,442 --> 01:02:09,492 Hey, Vance! 916 01:02:24,468 --> 01:02:28,414 Popular as this jest has always been, however, it cannot compare 917 01:02:28,664 --> 01:02:34,714 with the ribald connotations associated with the dispatch of an edible missile. 918 01:02:42,310 --> 01:02:49,360 First...first the simple straightforward "offensive deposit." 919 01:03:04,422 --> 01:03:09,472 Second...second the simple "sideways offensive deposit." 920 01:03:21,423 --> 01:03:24,473 Next, the simple "surprise deposit." 921 01:03:43,532 --> 01:03:46,582 And now, the "foul pie." 922 01:03:57,007 --> 01:04:00,057 Uh, could we have new pies, please? 923 01:04:18,886 --> 01:04:24,078 Finally, finally we move on to the interesting but little known variant 924 01:04:24,328 --> 01:04:28,378 normally designated the "three-course complex." 925 01:04:48,883 --> 01:04:54,180 But...but finally we must not forget the enjoyment, the satisfaction, 926 01:04:54,430 --> 01:04:58,779 and the edification to be derived from the simple straightforward 927 01:04:59,029 --> 01:05:03,079 "sideways completely unexpected deposit." 928 01:05:12,563 --> 01:05:17,097 Once upon a time there was a little house in a dark forest. 929 01:05:17,347 --> 01:05:21,397 In this house lived a humble woodcutter and his wife 930 01:05:25,994 --> 01:05:30,044 and their pretty daughter, Little Red Riding Hood. 931 01:05:42,817 --> 01:05:46,867 And in the middle of this deep, dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf! 932 01:05:54,492 --> 01:05:57,895 One day Little Red Riding Hood set off to take some things 933 01:05:58,145 --> 01:06:01,195 to her old grandmother who lived deep in the forest. 934 01:06:16,899 --> 01:06:23,949 The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood and thought: "She looks very good to eat!" 935 01:06:26,789 --> 01:06:29,839 "Where are you going my, pretty one?" 936 01:06:31,896 --> 01:06:34,129 "Oh, kind sir, to my grandmother's." 937 01:06:34,379 --> 01:06:41,429 "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf and dashed off through the forest to grandmother's house. 938 01:06:44,085 --> 01:06:47,741 "Knock, knock, knock" went the wicked wolf. 939 01:06:47,991 --> 01:06:51,427 The door opened wide, but it wasn't grandmother who opened it. 940 01:06:51,677 --> 01:06:55,727 It was Buzz Aldrin, America's number 2 spaceman! 941 01:06:58,319 --> 01:07:02,230 For this was not Granny's little house at all, but the headquarters of NASA, 942 01:07:02,480 --> 01:07:05,530 the American space research agency. 943 01:07:06,834 --> 01:07:08,884 The wicked wolf was shot by security guards. 944 01:07:12,587 --> 01:07:16,423 So all was quiet in the forest again. 945 01:07:16,673 --> 01:07:18,509 The humble woodcutter and his wife 946 01:07:18,759 --> 01:07:23,745 sold the their story to Der Speigel for 40,000 Deutcshmarks. 947 01:07:25,395 --> 01:07:30,321 NASA agreed to limit the number of nuclear tests in Granny's little house 948 01:07:30,571 --> 01:07:35,621 to two on Thursdays and one on Saturdays after tea. 949 01:07:39,897 --> 01:07:43,947 Liberal rubbish! What do you want with your jugged fish, Klaus? 950 01:07:46,490 --> 01:07:48,758 Pardon, my wide-thighed plum? 951 01:07:49,008 --> 01:07:53,058 What do you want with your jugged fish, you cloth-eared git? 952 01:07:53,751 --> 01:07:55,508 Halibut! 953 01:07:55,758 --> 01:07:57,662 The jugged fish is halibut! 954 01:07:57,912 --> 01:08:01,962 All right. Well, what fish do you have that is not jugged? 955 01:08:03,020 --> 01:08:05,070 Uuh, rabbit. 956 01:08:05,466 --> 01:08:07,442 What, rabbit fish? 957 01:08:07,692 --> 01:08:09,742 Well, it's all covered in fur. 958 01:08:10,830 --> 01:08:12,003 Well, is it dead? 959 01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:15,303 Well, it was coughing up blood last night. 960 01:08:16,851 --> 01:08:19,995 All right, I'll have the dead, unjugged rabbit fish. 961 01:08:20,245 --> 01:08:22,896 One dead, unjugged rabbit fish later. 962 01:08:23,345 --> 01:08:24,317 Appalling! 963 01:08:24,667 --> 01:08:25,858 Oh, you're always complaining. 964 01:08:26,808 --> 01:08:28,181 What's for afters? 965 01:08:28,531 --> 01:08:37,185 Well, there's, uh, rat pie, rat pudding, rat sorbet or, uh, strawberry tart. 966 01:08:37,435 --> 01:08:39,485 Strawberry tart? 967 01:08:39,953 --> 01:08:43,571 Well, it's got some rat in it. 968 01:08:43,821 --> 01:08:44,871 How much? 969 01:08:45,902 --> 01:08:49,952 Six. Rather a lot really. 970 01:08:50,391 --> 01:08:53,154 I'll have a slice without so much rat in it. 971 01:08:53,404 --> 01:08:56,745 One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later. 972 01:08:59,954 --> 01:09:01,004 Appalling! 973 01:09:02,689 --> 01:09:05,324 "Moan, moan, moan!" 974 01:09:05,574 --> 01:09:06,273 Hello, mum! Hello, dad! 975 01:09:06,523 --> 01:09:07,696 Hello, son! 976 01:09:07,946 --> 01:09:09,996 There's a dead bishop on the landing! 977 01:09:10,828 --> 01:09:12,623 Where...where's he from? 978 01:09:12,873 --> 01:09:14,046 What do you mean? 979 01:09:14,296 --> 01:09:15,910 What's his diocese? 980 01:09:16,160 --> 01:09:17,917 Well, he looked a bit Canterburyish to me. 981 01:09:18,167 --> 01:09:19,852 I'll go and have a look. 982 01:09:20,102 --> 01:09:21,712 I dunno who keeps bringing them here. 983 01:09:21,962 --> 01:09:22,735 Well, it's not me. 984 01:09:22,985 --> 01:09:27,698 I put three out by the trashcans last week and the garbagemen won't touch 'em. 985 01:09:27,948 --> 01:09:29,888 It's the bishop of Leicester! 986 01:09:30,138 --> 01:09:30,801 How do you know? 987 01:09:31,051 --> 01:09:35,654 Tattooed on the back of his neck! I think I'd better call the police! 988 01:09:35,904 --> 01:09:37,224 Shouldn't you call the church? 989 01:09:37,474 --> 01:09:38,612 Call the Church Police! 990 01:09:38,862 --> 01:09:42,912 That's a good idea! The...Church...Police! 991 01:09:46,717 --> 01:09:48,767 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo! 992 01:10:06,382 --> 01:10:09,182 What's all this then? Amen! 993 01:10:09,548 --> 01:10:10,833 Are you the Church Police? 994 01:10:11,083 --> 01:10:12,133 Oh, yes! 995 01:10:13,141 --> 01:10:15,899 There's another dead bishop on the landing, Vicar-Sergeant! 996 01:10:16,849 --> 01:10:21,964 Detective-Parson, madam! What is he? R.C. or C. of E.? 997 01:10:22,214 --> 01:10:23,351 How should I know? 998 01:10:23,601 --> 01:10:25,651 Tattooed on the back of their neck! 999 01:10:26,672 --> 01:10:30,742 Here, is that rat tart? 1000 01:10:31,542 --> 01:10:35,177 Oh, uh, yes. 1001 01:10:38,527 --> 01:10:44,577 Disgusting! Right, men! The hunt is on. Let us kneel in prayer. Oh, Lord... 1002 01:10:46,049 --> 01:10:53,099 Oh, Lord, we beseech thee, tell us who croaked the Bishop of Leicester. 1003 01:11:06,038 --> 01:11:10,088 The one in the braces, he done it. 1004 01:11:17,131 --> 01:11:19,692 It's a fair cop, but society is to blame. 1005 01:11:19,942 --> 01:11:21,151 Right, we'll arrest them instead! 1006 01:11:21,401 --> 01:11:25,220 Come on, you! Are you in society? Are you in society? 1007 01:11:25,470 --> 01:11:27,279 All things bright and beautiful... 1008 01:11:27,529 --> 01:11:29,421 Right, we'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn. 1009 01:11:29,671 --> 01:11:32,664 All things bright and beautiful 1010 01:11:32,914 --> 01:11:34,964 All creatures great and small. 1011 01:11:35,887 --> 01:11:38,387 All things wise and wonderful... 1012 01:11:39,766 --> 01:11:42,816 I never wanted to be in such a shambolic sketch. 1013 01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:51,090 I always wanted... 1014 01:11:51,514 --> 01:11:53,564 to be a lumberjack! 1015 01:12:00,078 --> 01:12:02,128 Leaping from tree to tree... 1016 01:12:04,643 --> 01:12:08,693 as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! 1017 01:12:10,518 --> 01:12:18,568 The larch...the redwood...the mighty sequoia... with my best girl by my side! 1018 01:12:21,037 --> 01:12:22,789 The giant deadwood, 1019 01:12:23,039 --> 01:12:24,089 the spruce, 1020 01:12:26,289 --> 01:12:28,339 the little californian root tree 1021 01:12:30,715 --> 01:12:35,765 We'd sing, sing, sing! 1022 01:12:37,740 --> 01:12:40,189 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, 1023 01:12:40,439 --> 01:12:43,073 I sleep all night and I work all day. 1024 01:12:43,323 --> 01:12:45,810 He's a lumberjack and he's OK, 1025 01:12:46,060 --> 01:12:48,548 He sleeps all night and he works all day. 1026 01:12:48,798 --> 01:12:51,359 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, 1027 01:12:51,609 --> 01:12:54,023 I go to the lavatory. 1028 01:12:54,273 --> 01:12:56,797 On Wednesdays I go shopping, 1029 01:12:57,047 --> 01:12:59,643 and have buttered scones for tea. 1030 01:12:59,893 --> 01:13:02,307 He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, 1031 01:13:02,557 --> 01:13:04,936 He goes to the lavatory. 1032 01:13:05,186 --> 01:13:08,001 On Wednesdays he goes shopping, 1033 01:13:08,251 --> 01:13:10,483 And has buttered scones for tea. 1034 01:13:10,733 --> 01:13:13,147 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, 1035 01:13:13,397 --> 01:13:16,049 I sleep all night and I work all day. 1036 01:13:16,299 --> 01:13:18,998 I cut down trees, I skip and jump, 1037 01:13:19,248 --> 01:13:21,150 I like to press wild flowers. 1038 01:13:21,650 --> 01:13:24,134 I put on women's clothing, 1039 01:13:24,384 --> 01:13:26,873 And hang around in bars. 1040 01:13:27,123 --> 01:13:29,397 He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, 1041 01:13:29,647 --> 01:13:31,699 He likes to press wild flowers. 1042 01:13:31,949 --> 01:13:34,884 He puts on women's clothing, 1043 01:13:35,334 --> 01:13:37,934 And hangs around in bars? 1044 01:13:39,969 --> 01:13:41,435 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, 1045 01:13:41,685 --> 01:13:43,745 I sleep all night and I work all day. 1046 01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:46,452 I cut down trees, I wear high heels, 1047 01:13:47,052 --> 01:13:49,466 Suspenders and a bra. 1048 01:13:49,716 --> 01:13:52,423 I wish I'd been a girlie, 1049 01:13:52,673 --> 01:13:55,197 Just like my dear papa. 1050 01:13:55,447 --> 01:13:57,861 He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, 1051 01:13:58,111 --> 01:14:00,426 Suspenders and a bra? 1052 01:14:00,676 --> 01:14:06,676 What kind of goddam pervert are you, you lousy commie fairy faggot...?! 1053 01:14:08,694 --> 01:14:11,181 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, 1054 01:14:11,431 --> 01:14:13,750 I sleep all night and I work all day. 1055 01:14:12,716 --> 01:14:14,000 New title 1056 01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:22,000 I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!